Dear asshole neighbor,

Published May 22, 2016 by authorbebedora

Dear asshole neighbor,

Actually, you’re not technically the neighbor.  You live four houses down.  But tonight, at 8:25 pm, you began mowing the neighbor’s lawn.  I don’t know why you’re doing it and he’s not.  And I really don’t care.

You see, I’m calling you an asshole tonight for the sheer fact that it is EIGHT THIRTY AT NIGHT.  The sun is almost down, for fuck’s sake.  More importantly, I just put the boy to bed.  I literally said goodnight to him, closed his door and walked into the living room just in time to see you start that fucking mower.

Now, I’ll admit that the neighbor’s lawn is an absolute eyesore.  The grass is to my knees, that’s no joke.  Last year, the guy let it go just about this long before mowing for the first time.  It looks like shit, there’s no denying that.  I don’t know if he’s paying you to do it, or if you just got sick of looking at it.  Frankly, I don’t care.  What I do care about is that you’re keeping my extremely overtired child awake.  A child that was up before 6am this morning and really needs to go to sleep.

I’d also like to mention that I have no qualms about laughing at you right now, as your mower kills every 90 seconds trying to get through the savannah that is the neighbor’s yard.  What did you learn?  It would be a shame if you’d have to buy a new mower because you murdered it cutting grass that isn’t yours…AT EIGHT THIRTY AT NIGHT.

You know what your punishment should be?  How would you like it if at, oh, 6am…I mow your lawn?  Wake up your kids?  Don’t tempt me, pal.  Don’t tempt me.

In closing, you’ve been at this for ten minutes, during that time your mower has died no less than ten times.  Make that eleven…you just had to restart it again.  My child has called for me multiple times asking when the noise will stop.  I’ve had to close all my windows and doors to try and make the house quieter.  We don’t get a lot of nice warm days here in the upper midwest before June, so I’m even pissed at you for the fact that now my house is closed.

Thirteen kills…

I hope your mower breaks.  There, I said it.  I hope you have to buy a new one.  Thanks for disrupting bedtime by being a jackass.

Furiously yours,

Me.

PS:  the roof on your house is REALLY UGLY.

PPS:  fourteen kills…dude, give up.

 

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