I flipped off a bandit highwayman in Skyrim today.
He deserved it.
Let me set the scene. Picture it, just after dusk on the outskirts of Riften on the road leading to Fort Greenwall. Snow is lightly falling as I run along the path. It’s just dark enough where it’s hard to see (partly due to the damn sun that shines outside my window) and I have only a split second before the group of thugs is on my little Wood Elf bad-ass. Her name is Athena and she’s got a nasty Orcish bow that snares souls. Don’t ask her to smith any armor for you though, she’s really bad at it.
A battle ensued, quickly leaving only one enemy standing. I think they were scared of my dragon shouts. (And rightfully they should be. Chickenshits.) The last baddie, a mortally wounded highwayman, began to run. No doubt out of sheer terror that Athena would unleash a massive Frost Breath shout and freeze him where he stood.
I’d like to say that things went smoothly.
This asshole bandit managed to not only lead me on a wild goose chase to find his sorry ass, but then actually hurt me. Badly. Like, make me have to put my bow away and haul out my axe so I could heal myself. One arrow. That’s all it took. I don’t think it was enchanted and I really don’t think he could have been that strong. I’m chalking it up to the “Skyrim Goblins.” You know, the ones that cause mages you happen to shout at to fly into the ceiling, never to be seen again. Or the ones that freeze your game just before you’re going to finish a really big dungeon–and you haven’t saved in a while.
Whatever the reason, Athena and I were royally pissed and needed to vent our rage. One shout later (and three arrows into the body for good measure) he was deceased. I stripped him and his comrades of everything they held dear (yup, that’s how I roll) and made my way to Riften to sell their belongings to fund my home-decorating fund. (Because a girl’s gotta have ALL THE THINGS.)
As I circled the pile of corpses and made my way back to the last victim, I gave him the only salute I felt would be fitting. I flipped him the bird. There may or may not have also been a rousing “Fuck You!” to go along with it.
Because no one messes with Athena.
She’ll fuck you up…
…and sell your clothes.