Take on This!
Green checkered pants, a black sleeveless shirt, a maroon velvet vest and…tennis shoes?
Sit down and we’ll talk about this. Look, I’ve baked us a marzipan cake and put some coffee on. It might take a while, but we’ll get to the bottom of this and have you back out in the world in no time.
Please don’t take what I’m about to say as an attack on you—it’s not. Think of it as more of an exploration of what transpired. We’re trying to ensure that it never happens again. So please believe me when I say that this isn’t an easy subject for me to address, but it’s essential if we’re going to be able to move forward.
I’m here to help.
There are just SO MANY THINGS wrong with this ensemble. But we’re going to figure this out and get you back on the road to a fantastic outfit. Don’t worry; it’s going to be okay. I promise.
In no simple terms, this is a fashion nightmare. I’m guessing that someone on the photo shoot dressed you in that getup and that it wasn’t from your personal collection. I’m even willing to let it slide if they *are* from your own closet…but not for the actual putting-together of the outfit. Worn apart from each other, most of it wouldn’t be so bad. Notice I said “most of it.” The green pants are unacceptable in any circumstance.
The word “abomination” actually comes to mind.
We all know that fashion sense is an acquired thing, and what some people find to be pleasing to the eyes is downright atrocious to another. But in this case, there’s no getting around it.
Sweetheart, they’re bad.
The vest and sleeveless shirt are acceptable—possibly even together—because, well…c’mon. THOSE ARMS. A nice pair of, oh, let’s say…black leather pants, and you’ve got a very nice thing going.
The shoes? Again, by themselves they’re fine. I’ll even excuse the black socks poking out. The vest seems a little fancy for tennies, but I’ll let it slide. So what are we left with?
The pants…the pants…the pants.
Are we noticing a theme here?
Now, I understand that it was the mid-nineties, when the fashion choices were marginal at best. I was guilty of some not-so-great wardrobe decisions myself. Usually it involved a silk shirt and a Star Trek communicator pin, but this isn’t about me today, so we’ll just that that go.
Even though it’s hard to forget things like this once we’ve seen them—and this is something that cannot be unseen—it’s best to try and move on.
Let’s remember that you’ve had a lot of fashion wins in your career. Case in point—pretty much every outfit you wore from Minor Earth Major Sky to Analogue. If I can say one thing, it’s that you really know how to rock leather pants, my Norwegian friend.
So, let’s put water under the bridge, so to speak, with the green checkered pants. Let them go peacefully to whatever plane of oblivion they deserve to be residing in. They’re better off there, trust me.
Or you could set them on fire. Your choice.
Just promise to never EVER put them on again.
(Note: A few days before this column entry went live…I found another picture of him in the pants. I think they’re actually his… Oh, Morten…)